How Is Your Self-Esteem? It's Critical.

If one were to ask what single characteristic that makes you attractive to others, it would be self-esteem. Self-esteem, as defined by Nathaniel Branden in "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem," is the reputation one has with him or herself. The criteria which we unconsciously judge ourselves and which makeup our self-esteem is two fold:

1. The first is self efficacy, which is our perceived ability to deal with the basic requirements of life; i.e., competence.

2. The second is self respect, which is the degree to which we feel deserving of happiness, receiving the rewards of our efforts and how steadfast we are in defending our boundaries.

Branden gives us six basic pillars, which if worked on with sufficient effort will increase one's self-esteem. These are:

1. The practice of living consciously

2. The practice of self acceptance

3. The practice of self responsibility

4. The practice of self assertiveness

5. The practice of living purposefully

6. The practice of personal integrity

While I won't break down each of these in detail, when I work with clients, I preach many of these pillars in one way or another.

Branden explains that even the smallest improvements in any one of these pillars can lead to massive shifts on one's overall self-esteem.

Improvements happen in two steps. The first is asking, what do I want? And the second asks, what must I do? First, the conceptualization, then the execution.

It is with the execution step that one receives the reward of a boost in self-esteem. It isn't necessarily the successful execution of the action step, but an honest, committed attempt.

For example, if you have approach anxiety and you finally work up the courage to ask for a promotion or meet a high-potential contact, the reward received is substantial.

This execution, essentially imprinted your subconscious saying that you are willing to put yourself in harm's way in order to experience what you want, because you believe you are worthy of that experience. This is the basis for courage. This is why blasting through your fears can become an addiction for some people. The boost in dopamine and serotonin is very real, and feels amazing.

I highly recommend giving this book a read. It has been an essential tool in developing my own assertiveness and raising my overall sense of worthiness influencing my past career, my current practice and everything in between.

I Found Out I Have PMR*.

I came upon a great quote from the Dalai Lama —  "There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live."

How often do we feel disappointed/guilty about yesterday and anxious/fearful about tomorrow? Probably a lot.

How do we live in 'today' increments? How do we focus on what needs to happen right now without letting the past and future hold us back?

I use a simple acronym - P M R:

P = Plan — Take 5 minutes to Plan your day. Get real, assess exactly what needs to get accomplished, and write it down. Just the stuff that needs to be done today. Add time increments to estimate how long each will take, prioritize each one, and then plug them into your day calendar.

M = Meditate — Take 5 minutes to Meditate. Clean the cobwebs! Sit back, close your eyes, and clear your thoughts. Start by taking a few deep breaths then use the exhalation to sigh and release the tension. Do it again. And again. I promise you will feel better and energized.

R = Reflect — Take 5 minutes to Reflect on all the good things in your life. Gratitude is an important part of staying in the present. We tend to focus and think of all the bad things, worry, forget, and then start the whole process again. Try to focus on the positive this time — your accomplishments, your family, etc.

Take the rest of the time and get stuff done! Don't be afraid of diving in and accomplishing your action items — in fact, you will feel invigorated. Trust me!

*Just found out there is a disease with the same acronym (there always is) - I do not have it nor am I at all using the acronym lightly.

Pump Up Your Social Skills — How To Approach New People.

A great post from Reddit — when I read something I like, I try to pass it on. The author focuses on talking to new people, but you can take his technique and apply it to almost any activity you find difficult to master. "So lately I've been having crises about not being able to socialize to the best of my ability."

About a month or two ago, I reached a breaking point — and now I've finally become desperate to want to do something about it. It's been really bothering me about how I'm not living life to the fullest, maximizing the amount of people I talk to, going on dates, etc. (for my anxiety is related to 'cold' approaching people). I've definitely improved socially over the last few years and can engage in conversations to a much greater extent (going to the gym and getting a job in retail loosened me up a bit); I would literally refuse to speak to anyone who wasn't my close friends and would be quite monosyllabic.

As much as I've improved, there's still much more progress to be made. After another mini crisis, I thought "screw it", and made a vow to speak to random people. Thought I'd start off small for now - I'd simply ask them for the time.

I got myself into a frame of mind where I'd literally force myself to ask the next stranger I see for the time, so I did. And it wasn't that bad. And then I did it with the next stranger, 30 seconds later. And again. After I did it I felt absolutely amazing, however small of a victory it may be, and it made me realise that even after doing something so trivial, we have some warped misconceptions of people and this makes us irrationally fear social encounters. Feel free to discredit what I'm about to say on the basis that I've approached a few people, but I don't think what I am saying is invalid.

I've created a list of "challenges" that I'm going to complete.

It's going to be really tough, but I've made a vow to (in this order):

• Ask 50 people for the time (in progress).
• Ask 30 people for directions.
• Go into 30 shops and speak to employees about random things related to the store and company etc.
• Smile at 20 women.
• Say something along the lines of "hey how's it going" or "good afternoon" to 30 people.
• Make conversation with 20 people.
• And then finally, talk to women and ask them for numbers and dates.

I've never realized how true the "social skills are like a muscle" analogy is.

It really felt like I'd been in the gym to lift weights, you get that confidence boost (i.e. the "high" you feel lifting weights), and this morning when I woke up, I realised how exhausting it would be to start again today and approach people again, much how like you need the drive to go to the gym.

It is really easy to tell yourself . . .

It is really easy to tell yourself "I don't need to approach people to get over my anxiety" or "I will eventually stop worrying about my fears in the future and will improve socially with age" and just not do it, when in reality, exposing yourself to the fear (gradually, of course, all-out exposure from my experience has made me worse) will SHOW your brain that there's nothing to be afraid of. Sure, it is true that people become better socially with age, but it doesn't solve the problem completely in some circumstances.

The stranger might be horrible to me.

Additionally, I don't think it's possible to use logic to get out of anxiety, or to convince yourself that there's nothing to be afraid of on a cognitive level, because your brain will still have the same response to a perceived threat unless you actually show it that there's nothing to fear by doing it. If you try to convince your way out of it, you're showing your brain a potential outcome instead of an actual outcome, the latter of which you will see by doing whatever frightens you.

A potential outcome relies on chance, e.g. "the stranger might be horrible to me", and this will lead your brain to go into panic mode again. You accept the potential outcome instead of being consumed by it, approach the person, and then the consequences turn into an actual outcome.

Lack of motivation is also a factor in facing your fears.

As I've said you might feel no need to talk to people (or do whatever is best for you socially) but it will help you out a lot. I don't want to sound like I'm some expert (I'm really not, take this post as you will) as I'm still early into the approaching game, but this is from what I've gathered after years of pre-improving my social skills (like getting over things that made me anxious previously, like ordering at a restaurant, group work in school and delivering presentations) and doing what I've just done now.

How badly do I want this?

To those who want to really get better from social anxiety or improve your social skills, ask yourself this: "how badly do I want this?" It's not a quick fix as I've realised and you will hurt like hell sometimes, but unfortunately you do have to make some effort if you want to improve. It's not something you like hearing, but it is the truth. As I've said it's very easy to delude yourself into thinking you don't need to approach people (or do whatever makes you scared) to improve, but you do.

One thing to remember is that you are all very capable of facing your fears, and that your anxiety to not do something is not as strong as you think it is. Hell, it's very hard and draining, but with an end goal in sight and a will to reach it, it is attainable.

No matter how much you may beat yourselves up.

Lastly, do not for a second think it makes you inferior for being socially anxious or feeling like you lack some social skills. You're awesome people, no matter how much you may beat yourselves up. I even fall into this trap and I have to snap myself out of it, whatever it takes.

I'm also convinced that a large portion of human beings consider themselves "socially awkward", for the lack of a better term, and crave social interactions.

People should approach one another all the time.

Being at University, people are mainly in their own social groups now and I've realised very few people approach one another while they're waiting outside for classes and very few people raise their hand to contribute in classes, out of fear I presume.

I simply refuse to believe that, in my circumstances at least, no one speaks to one another (including myself, I've only ever been approached once or twice at University for meeting friends/conversation, I've had to do most of the work to make friends) due to everyone hating one another; I genuinely believe that everyone (if not, most people) wants to initiate conversation, but are too afraid to do so. If only the world were simple (where this logic would be prevalent and would override anxiety completely), people would approach one another all the time, yet anxiety is so strong it stops us from being rational about it. And it sucks. A lot.

Keep doing whatever makes you awesome.

Feel free to join me on this endeavour, it's hard to say if I'll make it, but I'll give it my best shot. I'll leave you on one last note, which is basically a summary of what I've just said - ABANDON LOGIC AS YOUR MEANS OF FIGHTING THIS.

Use it loosely and to motivate, but don't make it your main weapon to fight anxiety or whatever as you will lose every time. You can read all you want about how humanity is on a small rock in a seemingly infinite cosmos where all of our problems will cease to exist upon death, about how that girl you want to talk to was born in the same way you were; through cell division, being cast into a meaningless world without choice, but that will not cure your anxiety forever. Even my advice won't cure you forever, I concede - but what WILL work, as I've started to realise, is giving anxiety the middle finger and motivating yourself (disciplining, rather) enough to improve socially.

Great rewards require great sacrifices, and I wish I'd seen this earlier. You are no exception.

From Reddit - Author: PM_ME_YOUR_DELTOIDS (yes, I know, too funny).

New Job Success Or Failure: Your First Day.

Here are some quick tips I give all of my clients prior to their first day on the job:

Prepare

This is a critical task for you and sets up every other thing you do for your first day. You need to get this done 24 hours prior to your first day.

• Get all of your paperwork together. Everything that needs to be signed, your license, passport, etc.
• Pick your clothes and make sure they look great. You will feel better if they are all laid out and ready to go.
• Polish (men) and touch up (ladies) your shoes - they need to look great.
• Make your lunch the day before.
• Set the timer on your coffeemaker so you wake up to hot coffee.

Meditate

Yes, meditate. When you get up or after your shower, sit on your bed, close your eyes, and relax. Say to yourself:

• I will do great. I have years of experience ready to burst out of me.
• They love me - they picked me over every other applicant.
• I won't screw up - I will ask questions when I am unsure.

Day One is always the hardest day - it is built up with anxiety and fear - meditation will help you get centered. Take 1-2 minutes for yourself.

Leave Early

If your commute is 30 minutes, leave 1 hour early. This is a new route, with new traffic patterns and unknown hazards. Give yourself ample commuting time to get there with enough buffer to ensure you are stress-free and ready to go. If you get there early, that's fine.

Arrive Early/Stay Late

It sends the right message to your superiors, peers and team. It shows you are a 'hard' worker and sets the stage for building your reputation at your organization.

Smile, Smile, Smile

First impressions are made within the first 10 seconds. You are going to meet a lot of people - you don't have to remember their name - but smile and be engaging. It will give them a good sample of who you really are and get you off on the right foot.

Ask Questions

You are not inexperienced, you just need to measure how you will do things, where things are, and what to do with them. If you don't ask questions, you will probably stall and not work as efficiently as you usually would. Get through those obstacles and make things happen!

Try To Eat With Your Boss or Peers

It gives you another chance to quiz them on the more intangible areas of your position/organization. In any event, try to have lunch with all of the people you will touch at your job.

Go Home & Relax

It's been a crazy day. Come home, get into comfy clothes, and lay down on your bed. Embrace the feeling and memories of your new job — review the day with your spouse or partner.  This debrief is not only important, it's critical. It allows you to download your thoughts, experiences and emotions.

Go To Bed Early

It's been a tough day — go to bed one hour early to be fresh for the next day!