Why Don't We Hug More?

Who's a hugger out there? Many years ago (25 to be exact), my best friend's sister and her husband came over for dinner one night. At the end of the night, when we were saying our goodbyes, instead of handshakes, we got hugs from both of them. Not just the quick hug — but a deep hug with a real squeeze that meant something.

It might sound funny that I remember that 25 years later, but it made an impression on me. It was powerful. And before we go any further, let me state that there was nothing leading or sexual about it. It was just a hug. But it was a great hug.

Let's be honest, a handshake just goes so far. I totally understand if you just met the person — at that point, a handshake is perfectly fine. But during personal interactions, when you meet someone at a small holiday dinner party and you speak with them for the better of 3-4 hours, isn't a good hug at the end of the night a great way to share your personal experience? I think studies find that it's a bit more sanitary too — no real hand-to-hand contact.

How about professional interactions? I can totally understand the 'sexual harassment' issues that might arise if your gave a hug the wrong way to your team, peers, or superiors. How about with established vendors that you've been working with for years? Is a hug in order then? I know when someone wins an award and if it's in front of a lot of people, hugs are normally given.

Step back for a second — hugs are GREAT. They impart real feeling to the other person — a deep appreciation for who they are and what they mean to you. Especially when you've known or worked with that person for a long time.

So if you could hug more professionally (without fear of any harassment charges) would you? Do you hug now?

I would love to hear your stories about how important hugs are for you!

P.S. If you're not convinced, here's a video you should watch — click here.

Image: Royalty-Free License from Dollar Photo Club 2014.

How To Survive A Toxic Workplace.

Once you’ve diagnosed if you are working in a toxic environment — see my last post — there are a number of ways to deal with it:

1. Leave.
2. Stay and move to another team/department/division/location.
3. Stay and endure.

It’s that simple. Choices #1 and #2 deal with the situation most effectively, they remove you from the environment and allow you to begin anew.

Today, let’s look at choice #3. At least for the short term (hopefully!) you need to stay where you are and contend with the forces making each day painful.

Step One — It’s Not Me, It’s You.

You need to get your head wrapped around the idea that it’s not you. You are not incompetent, crazy, unprofessional, or whiny. It’s the situation around you. Acknowledging this first step will be a major change in your demeanor.

When we are in a toxic environment, we tend to constantly question ourselves. We doubt our decisions, actions, management, interactions, communications — everything.

A toxic workplace’s first rule of order is to get you to doubt your abilities. Why? You become passive, you don’t fight, you give in and ultimately, you start questioning your abilities and ultimately feel like a failure.

Also, you feel that you can never leave, because you don’t have the chops to make it anywhere else (for the same amount of money). That's a form of 'golden handcuffs'.

Step Two — Develop An Action Plan

As I always say to my clients, get it out of your head and down on paper. You need to think clearly about yourself and your situation. Once you’ve come to the conclusion that ‘it’s not you’, you need to document what elements of your environment ARE toxic.

Is it your boss? Is it your peers? Is it management? Is it another department that is asking outrageous requests? Pinpoint the WHO and WHERE. This will allow you to define the specific influencers causing the toxicity.

Then under each one, define WHAT do they do. For example, you can write, “My Boss — she is condescending whenever I’m around and adds snarky comments to whatever I do.”

Then define HOW you will diffuse the toxicity of their behavior/attack. This leads me to:

Step Three — Choose a Judo or Jujutsu Technique

What is Rich talking about? Let me define each one:

Judo - Immobilize or otherwise subdue one's opponent with a grappling maneuver or force an opponent to submit by joint locking or by executing a strangle hold or choke.

Jujutsu - Manipulating the opponent's force against himself rather than confronting it with one's own force - "gentle, supple, flexible, pliable, or yielding."

I want you to execute your action plan. When they encounter you — be prepared to either:

Engage (Judo) Stand firm with your position and explain its merits. Don’t back down. If you’ve done your homework, you know the who, where, what and how to diffuse them. Hold your ground — you are the strong one — they are the incompetent one. If it is a boss or other management, hold your ground and then at the last minute, do the Jujutsu sidestep (below). If you do this on a regular basis, they will know that you are a force to be reckoned with.

The phrase 'Ask forgiveness rather than permission' works well here. If the toxicity is at a high level — do what you need to do (ensure that it is the right thing to do) and then ask forgiveness.

Sidestep (Jujutsu) Use the person’s force/weight against them — give them enough rope and then pull the rug out from under them by using facts. They might try to fall back on emotions (“This is how we’ve always done it!”) — but you’ve done your homework. This works especially well with peers.

Bottom line — these tactics work in the short run. Again, you need to either leave the department or leave altogether. If the toxicity is endemic — you will never win.

What other tips/techniques have you used in your fight against toxic environments?